Baylee Faith White

Missing so much dearest daughter. You were so very special for mummy and you were taken away from me so cruelly. Thinking of you always.


It was end of feb beginning of march i found out i was expecting you, a monday morning and very surprising, But so so pleased, I was 17 and had your brother kaid who was 11 month old, He was a handful and i was planning on all the things he would learn with you and do with you,
Very early in pregnancy i moved house with your biological father to one we could fit you into. It was much bigger and nicer, but i fell down the stairs with kaid in my arms. I was ok, until mommar rang that lunch and i told her i was hurt and what id done, i was sent hospital and discharged a day or two later, that wasnt the only visit to hospital i had.
Many more followed, I decorated the house in between and mommar came to try and patch up my first attempt at decorating. when she was there we walked to the local super market and i wasnt too good when we got back mommar called the midwife, She said i should be ok and relax. A week later i got your biological father to take me back to b n q to return the unused wallpaper before we got home id had so many contractions i had lost count, i was 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant with you, I called grandad and he didnt believe me lol, mommar was at uncle rickys uni opening day mommar joan came and the midwifes and half the street then mommar sue came to hospital to us. mommar joan had kaid for me, They hospital confirmed i was in labour though it wasnt active labour they gave me the steroids to enhance your lungs so you could cope with the outside world, after 3 days they discharged me on lots of pain killers,
I still couldnt do much and my midwife avril kept sending us hospital to get you out as you were breach but the hospital wouldnt hear of it and kept telling me i had a 70% chance of a natural birth with you, Kaid was a c section. So every week we went through the same thing but the hospital didnt scan me and werent fazed.
At 39 weeks and 1 day uncle ricky took me hospital as my contractions were much closer together, They said i was ok fro a while and could go home and wait for the onset of labour though they queried your position again they agreed you was head down and didnt scan me, Me and mommar told them for over an hour that you werent breathing well enough, your heart rate was much lower than usual but again they wouldnt have it and sent me home with mommar. That was midnight on 19th of october 2002 the very last time i heard you alive, If only i knew. The next day i was very poorly and mommar was very concerned she wanted to call the doctor but i didnt want everyone to keep causing a fuss, If id have thought something was wrong i wouldve. So i sat chosing your middle name. I chose Faith.
On the monday i felt fantastic i had never felt that good in the pregnancy it was a very ill pregnancy, I scrubbed mommar floor and went to the bank, That night i slept well, I think you mustve had something to do with that to give me the strength for tuesday the 22nd oct, i woke up at 8am, contracting, I went upstairs and had one on the landing at mommars, she was on the phone and i didnt want to worry her. I went back down stairs to the shower with my towel and clothes, and i didnt even get to wash my hair you was ready to tell me you wanted a cuddle.
So mommar called the paramedics and they asked her to stay on the phone, I got dressed and then they asked me to strip and mommar looked for your head, Then my waters broke everywhere, Amongst it all i was so excited as i knew i would have my daughter by the end of the day and have 2 beautiful children and all my plans would be being lived, I had so many clothes for you, I was so excited.
I didnt contract after my waters broke and the paramedics turned up, they waited to see if you were waiting or coming soon, when they knew you was waiting they took me hospital mommar tried to tell them it wasnt normal but they said everyone is different. they took me to delivery suite i knew it was all go and youd be in my arms so soon, The put the belts around me and they didnt find anything it was so quiet, another midwife tried and then they called a man with a scanner, he stood scanning me and he was there forever,
I asked the man, if evrything was ok, he said no not really and i said "but there is a heartbeat isnt there" he shook his head said sorry and left, I dont remember the next part mommar tells me i screamed for them to cut you out and save you, i was only 17 what had i done for you to leave mummy like that.
I didnt believe it, I couldnt. Poor mommar sat sobbing, I told her youd be ok, that i could feel you but the midwife told me that was just the contractions moving you, i didnt believe her you were my baby i knew that i loved you far too much to lose you. Mommar rang grandad, he went to their sho to tell mommar joan and he worked there so mommar joan didnt have to, mommar sue also rang your father, Mommar joan came to see me and mommar sue, and spent a few hours with me, i was given an epidural your father came to see me too, I went thru that day in a haze and then at 2:08 am on wednesday the 23rd of october 2002 and were pushed out of me, i think you were out in 3 pushes,
I thought you would breathe expected you to cry but you didnt, they took you to the other side of the room and cleaned you wrapped you up, It was so quiet,
The hospital gave us a camera and we took some pictures. they cut some of your hair for mummy to keep and your foot print too, they did some for your father too. I was taken to the ward and we tried to rest, then i got to see you again before i had to leave for home, I hated leaving you baylee i broke my heart i wanted to take you with me, show the world i had a girl, I went back to mommars house to see your big brother, he didnt understand where you had gone he kissed my tummy everynight to say good night to you during your time in my tummy and now you were gone, all them pretty clothes i had for you un worn all the xmas gifts unopened, the moses basket unused, I was heart broken, I hated packing your things away as if you never existed.
You are buried under a tree , grandad likes that because your sheltered and protected. Your grave is burgundy red, I do hope you like it, Kaid misses you so badly baylee he cries for you to be here, to play with him, he always wants to buy you flowers and plants. How do i take his pain away darling? How do i ease my own? Almost 7 years later and i miss you so much, I have had 2 girls since you and there a blessing but they dont replace you.
This year i dont know what to do for your birthday, it should be a joint party with your sisters 1st but you arent here. Kaid and kaitlee share their birthdays as they are 5 days apart and you and cerys are 8 days apart.
I dremt about you a few month ago so vividly i saw you all together all 4 of my children together. I wish i could have that picture saved forever but i cant.
Grandad carried your tiny coffin to your resting place, How did he have the strength. we saw you every day we could until you were buried. I love you oh so much. I do hope you know that and i hope you watch over us and can be proud.
I love you baylee and so does the rest of the family, Me and daddy (he is your daddy because he supports mummy and cleans your grave and helps buy you things) kaid kaitlee and cerys we all visit your grave, we all love you lots.
Rest in peace my beloved daughter.